fracas

(The following is a post about my pecker. When you’re done reading it, you should head over to Humor-Blogs. I hear there are some good peckers over there too.)

I have a huge scotch pine in my front yard, taller than the house and wide like an entire family of fraccy arses. It, like people, has a side it looks best in photographs, but for the most part, is perfectly formed. (I know… just like fracas you’re thinking.)

Two years ago a nasty woodpecker had dared to declare a turf war on the fraccy familial forest. We both wanted to claim the tree as our own. I, as the owner, would prune it when needed, water it, clean up it’s ‘droppings’ and in general, be a good fraccy mother (all for the reward of merely appreciating its splendor) while the woodpecker seemed to only want to bore a pattern of holes up the trunk of my beloved pine… holes that leaked sap and would (if allowed to multipy unchecked) cause the demise of my lovely tree.

Thus, I reasoned that all Woodpeckers were evil.  I, though, not wanting to upset the fraccy son (who happens to love birds) decided to spare his woody life and merely frighten him away.

Which I did.

Two blissfully Woodpecker-free years later, you can’t imagine my horror to be looking out the bedroom window and notice a strange bird in my back yard. This was not one of the millions of Robins that have overtaken the fraccy city this spring… no, this was a bird that seemed to have a beak long enough to be from that dastardly family of… of…

Peckers.

I was ready to call in the Military. A pecker in my yard? This would not do. I went into combat mode immediately and despite the obvious dilemna of having to shoot from behind a mesh window screen, did stealthily obtain a surveillance photo for evidence. Plotting what my next move would be, I thought about how he’d be sorry for stopping here.  He doesn’t know what he’s in for. I am fracas after all!

So I, after watching him for a time, wondered if he had by chance, filled up on the little bits of leftover (and by now fermented) crabapples that littered the ground under the apple tree after the winter. I mean, he seemed almost tipsy. There he was, a woodpecker who should be hammering away at my beloved pine, and he was on the ground, hammering instead, at the ground.

How easy would that be? Waging war on not just a bird, but a drunken bird? I was sure to win. I called Mr. Fracas as a witness and before heading out for a lovely dinner, vowed to deal with this invader the next day. How was I to know that by the next day, I’d be this bird’s biggest fan?

You see, via this wonderful interweavy thing, I leaned that the pecker on my property was actually a Northern Flicker, and from Birdweb, I learned this:

“Northern Flickers feed principally on ants but also take other insects and some fruit, seeds, and berries.”

A pecker who would eat the ants in my yard? Hallelujah! Make up the spare room and bring out the good china… this bird can stay. If there’s anything I hate more than a Woodpecker who is wont to ruin my trees, it’s ants. Reading on, I found that aside from being a natural born killer (of ants) there are several other reasons that the Northern Flicker is my new hero.

“Males do most of the excavation with some help from females. Both incubate the 5 to 8 eggs for about 11 days, then brood the newly hatched young for about 4 days more. Both sexes feed the young, which leave the nest after 24 to 27 days. The parents continue to feed the young once they fledge, and soon the young begin to follow the adults to foraging sites and gather their own food.”

Honestly, this bird sounds too good to be true. He builds the home, helps incubate the eggs, helps take care of the young ‘uns once born, helps find and bring home the food… and then actually feeds the tots too. I bet the female bird is out shopping while he’s doing all that. Were this bird a human male, the womenfolk would be fighting to the death for the ability to keep him.

Sometimes, you need a good pecker. Indeed, this pecker is a keeper, and today, I’m proud to call him mine.

Admittedly, my photos are on the lousy side, so I looked for a nicer one online. I found several, and here’s an awesome photo of the Northern Flicker but it’s copyrighted, so all I can provide you with is a link. I’ve taken the liberty of making the link open in another window, so you don’t actually have to leave fracas… since I know you’d probably find that to be a tragedy of monumental proportions.

If you enjoyed reading about my pecker, you know you should head over to Humor-Blogs. Not only will you find some great boobs over there, but I guarantee you, in that bunch, there’s a few peckers too!