Filed under: Amusement, Entertainment, Funny, Humor, Jokes | Tags: Humor, Fun, Funny, Jokes, Humour, friday fun, friday funnies, tgif, laugh, friday jokes, beer jokes, drinking jokes, skeleton jokes, cowboy jokes, cowgirl jokes, hunting jokes, hunters
…and other jokes for a Friday.
An old cowboy went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, “Are you a real cowboy?”
He replied, “Well, I’ve spent my whole life on the ranch, herding horses, mending fences, and branding cattle, so I guess I am.”
She replied, “I’m a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. As I watch TV, or even eat, I think about women. Everything seems to make me think about women.”
The two sat sipping in silence. A short time later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, “Are you a real cowboy?”
He replied, “I always thought I was, but I just found out I’m a lesbian.”
Not to leave out the cowgirls…
A cowgirl, who is visiting Texas from Arkansas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. She sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When she finishes them, she comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowgirl, “You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time.”
The cowgirl replies, “Well, you see, I have two sisters. One is in Australia, the other is in Dublin. When we all left our home in Arkansas, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I’m drinking one beer for each of my sisters and one for myself.”
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The cowgirl becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. She orders three mugs and drinks them in turn. One day, she comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent.
When she comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, “I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.”
The cowgirl looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in her eyes and she laughs. “Oh, no, everybody’s just fine,” she explains, “It’s just that my husband and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking.”
“Hasn’t affected my sisters though.”
Or the skeletons…
Skeleton walks into a bar and says, “Gimme a beer and a mop.”
Not to mention the hunters…
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator says: “Calm down, I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: “OK, now what?”
[Skeleton Image Source: DC Custom Projects... they do awesome things here, just go see for yourself!]
Filed under: Amusement, Entertainment, Funny, Humor, Jokes | Tags: blonde jokes, brunette jokes, friday fun, friday funnies, Funny, groaner jokes, Jokes, jokes for friday, laugh, lightbulb jokes, redhead jokes, tgif
Making money was never this easy…
A blonde and a redhead went to the bar after work for a drink, and sat on stools watching the 6 O’clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge, and the blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn’t jump. Sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead $50. The redhead said: “I can’t take this, you’re my friend.” But the blonde insisted saying, “No. A bet’s a bet.” Then the redhead said: “Listen, I have to tell you that I saw this on the 5 O’clock news, so I can’t take your money.” The blonde replied, “Well, so did I, but I didn’t think he would jump again.”
She nearly got caught…
There were three women, a brunette, a red head, and a blonde. They all worked together at an office. Every day they noticed that their boss left work a little early. So one day they met together and decided that today when the boss left, they would all leave early too. The boss left and so did they. The brunette went home and straight to bed so could get an early start the next morning. The red head went home to get in a quick workout before her dinner date. The blonde went home and walked into the bedroom. She opened the door slowly and saw her husband in bed with her boss, so she shut the door and left. The next day, the brunette and the red head are talking about going home early again. They ask the blonde if she wants to leave early again. “No,” she says, “yesterday I nearly got caught.”
Please don’t hate me….
Some people are just rude…
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen.” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “That driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”
Poor thing…
Two cows are standing in a pasture.
The first cow says, “Have you heard about this new mad cow disease?”
The second cow says, “I don’t care, I’m a helicopter!”
Sorry, these might be groaners, but they did make me laugh…
Q. What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
A. Polaroids.
Q. What do you call Santa’s helpers?
A. Subordinate Clauses.
Q. What’s the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?
A. The taste.
Q. How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb
A. Fish
Q. What do you call a cow that has just given birth?
A. De”calf”inated
Q. How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Two. One to hold the giraffe, and one to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.
