fracas

I’ll admit to having been a stupid teenager. It’s odd that after blogging for nearly a year, suddenly I find not one but two opportunities to do that in the same week.

The first reason was obvious. This one… not so much, but I’m happy to explain.

I admit to having listened to Barry Manilow.

I’m sorry. I know you’re going to think ill of me now, but I beg you not to. Mandy was a hit at the time, and my friends were listening to it and well, I was only a new teenager at the time and you know it’s hard to pass up a slow dance with that boy you’ve been gaga over and watching from three rows over at your desk all year.

The really sad part of this story though, is what’s become of Manilow.

Recently, I learned he pulled out of a scheduled appearance on the show “The View” because he felt he needed to “take a stand” about being so opposed to Elisabeth Hasselbeck’s conservative views. Said Manilow,

“I strongly disagree with her views. I think she’s dangerous and offensive. I will not be on the same stage as her.”

Um. Barry. At one point, you agreed to be a guest on the show, knowing that in fact, she was one of the hosts. Did you just happen to forget that? Is this all because you’re suffering some age-related memory loss thing… perhaps a health problem you’re keeping hush hush, or miiiiiight it be because you have a new album to promote and you’re hoping for some Donald Trump vs Rosie O’Donnell type publicity to pump sales?

It won’t work Barry.

People will indeed, search the internet using the terms “Barry Manilow” and “Elisabeth Hasselbeck” and you might even end up on that Lycos page for top internet searches, but won’t won’t happen is that you’ll suddenly sell enough albums to warrant acting like a doorknob and refusing to honor an appearance you agreed to when it was clear that she was part of the cast.

Why?

Because frankly, although I may have slow danced to Mandy as a 13 year old, the 43 year old me isn’t going to buy your album and the 43 year old me is smart enough to know this is a stunt. Don’t get me wrong, I’m in favour of stunts, publicity stunts, and marketing genious that will help sell products, raise awareness (or funds) for something important. Well, providing said stunt is one of intelligence or humor that doesn’t involve smearing or hurting someone else (like Hasselbeck).

Your stunt, Mr. Manilow, is just plain smarmy, as was and is the whole thing between Rosie O’Donnell and Donald Trump. You, like everyone else in the western world, knew Elisabeth was a host, and that she would be on the stage with you when you originally agreed to be on the show. I don’t believe you have a health problem, memory loss or any of those things, I think you think you’re going to get big time airtime like Donald and Rosie did. Smarmy, Manilow. Real smarmy. Was that the look you were going for to go with those “classics” you’re peddling? Did you mean “Classics” in that old snake oil salesman kind of way?

Regardless Mr. Manilow, just like in the lyrics of your Mandy song,

“But I sent you away…”

Indeed, you’ve sent me away. Me, and probably others who see through this very amateurish scheme to sell cd’s.

Oh, there’s just one more reason this might not help sell cd’s for you.

 It also might be the fact that your music is considered punishment to some.

“A Colorado judge has sentenced people busted for noise pollution to one hour of listening to unpopular or unusual music.Mostly young adult offenders were kept in a room and made to listen to Dolly Parton’s I Will Always Love You, Karen Carpenter and Barry Manilow with the volume up loud, CBS4Denver.com reported.Most offenders, who were not allowed to eat, drink, read or sleep, found the punishment funny at first. But then the boredom set in.”At about 20 minutes into it, I was trying not to fall a sleep,” offender Luis Cano said.Judge Paul Sacco, who carries out the punishment about four times per year, said the sentenced fit the crime.”When you have a person playing rap at extreme volumes all over the city, and they have to sit down and listen for an hour to Barry Manilow, its horrible punishment,” he said. “

If I want to hear the standards (your chosen method of trying to maintain a career these days) I can buy Rod Stewart. He’s doing it too. I’ve always liked Stewart better anyway.

You know what else Mr. Manilow?

That boy?

He sucked at slow dancing.

Photo Credits: Getty Images